Tomorrow is the dreaded Psychiatrist appointment! I have to write up all my notes today because knowing me i will either be in a heap on the floor crying or pacing the floors in a manic moment. Meh, either will show them i need professional help! Most people who have good mental health normally picture the psychiatrists office with a patient lying on a couch (i wish i could lie down in there!) Actually it is quite a formal and serious affair with the Psychiatrist asking lots about how you are feeling and sometimes they want all your past bad experiences. Which afterward can leave you feeling more depressed and drained than when you went in, i guess it's a necessary evil or they are just damn nosy! Tomorrow will consist of me taking a few Diazepam and closing my eyes in the car while i listen to some damn heavy metal to get through it. Watch this space!
Waking up today was horrific. I had twelve hours sleep and still felt immensely tired with the unbearable background of depression. I feel so slowed down. Haven't got much to say so i've added my video and song of the day. Enjoy x
Time to see my psychiatrist about new medication instead of the highly toxic Tricyclics i have had in my blood for 6 years which have made my Bipolar disorder even worse. I confess that i am terrified of the idea of new meds and the unknown side effects they could give me, terrified to the point of suicidal ideas. I guess they will put me on mood stablizers, Lithium i hope not, anti psychotics and some addictive benzodiazepine. Fingers crossed for me you guys.
Did you know that the HIV and AIDS problem in this country is getting worse? Also a survey was done and it found 75% of people in the UK would NOT donate money to a HIV & AIDS charity. Did you know that countries such as Australia and New Zealand will not let people with the infection into their country!? It is not a persons fault if they have HIV or AIDS..whether they are gay or straight, addicted to drugs or not, black or white, young or old. It's time people got their heads out the sand and stop being ignorant towards this infection and the people who carry it. Some may say that a heroin addict who injected themselves with a dirty needle brought it on themselves. I say NOT...people addicted to drugs, in my opinion, are trying to escape their own personal torture or/and were unfortunate enough to not be educated about drug abuse from a young age. Lets stop the ignorance and start to help by either donating to a HIV & AIDS charity or educating people about how they can protect themselves against it. If you have a bad attitude towards people living with HIV/AIDS or you think they brought it on themselves...EDUCATE YOURSELF THEN OTHERS. God forbid if you ever contracted it or a member of your family...what would you do?
Anxiety when extreme is the worst feeling in the world. My meds aren't working anymore because i was misdiagnosed, not the docs fault because i never told them about my severe moods and outbursts. Everyone reckons it's Bipolar disorder. I hope the anxiety is coming from the Bipolar and not a separate illness. It doesn't help reading things like "20% of manic depressives kill themselves" & "anxiety with depression is more of a suicide risk because not only does the present feel bleak but that moment is also too unbearable due to the anxiety" I hope my psychiatrist puts me on the right medication because right now I'm on the edge, life seems too big & scary, the anxiety is unbearable and I'm thinking of making a fucking will.
Stephen Fry is just brilliant, witty, intelligent, hilarious and Bipolar. Watch his two part documentary, which is on YouTube, called The Secret Life Of The Manic Depressive. It's brilliant and up for an Emmy. Tony Slattery is in it, when he had a bad episode he threw all his electrical equipment into the Thames, when the police noticed they shouted " Tony stop throwing things into the Thames!" I also love the documentary Mr Fry did on HIV & AIDS. I'm reading his book Moab Is My Washpot which is the first 20years of his life, it's funny. In one part he says " i would always have been as screwed up as an unwanted letter from the readers digest" .
I do a lot of research on this subject and it is very interesting and eye opening when you read the stories of people who have had near death, out of body & paranormal experiences. Most stories are very similar which makes you think. I know some people put the near death experience down to lack of oxygen to the brain and so forth but from what i have read i can say that is not the case. If you are skeptic or scientifically minded then i recommend you read Life After Life By Dr Raymond Moody, it is one of my most treasured books on the subject. On future blogs i will incoporate true stories and the like. I have never had a near death experience myself but i have experience in paranormal happenings and i also get psychic moments which i haven't learnt to and can't control. I have always been interested in the subject and hope to gain enough knowledge to share with others who can open their minds enough to except the information. I would like people to come forward and talk to me if they have had their own experience in this subject. I hope to write my own book about this oneday.
He is Ant, my fiance. Ant loves me for who i am and puts up with my awful Bipolar mood swings and rants. He is willing to do anything for me, he is protective, supportive, loving, intelligent and all around wonderful. I couldn't ask for more. There is 18 years between us but it doesn't matter one bit, we get on well, have the same sense of humour ect. He says normally he could not be with someone this young because in the past he was with someone a bit younger and they did his head in because he had to dumb everything down for them. Where as with me i totally understand him and we both can have intelligent conversations about everything. Well i did have to grow up fast among other things as a girl. I'm glad to be with a man and not a boy. Lets face it males take longer to mature in most cases! I met him at my friends Mandi & Darrens wedding, i was bridesmaid and he was bestman. He said it must have been love at first sight, he says he felt he knew me before even talking to me. When we first got together it felt old, y'know when you first get with someone it usually feel all new...but this wasn't the case. Strange but true. I love you my knight in shining leather.
I welcome you all to my blog! I'm sure it will contain lots of different subjects and rants! You will either think "very interesting" "intelligent post" or "the ramblings of a woman with Bipolarity". If you use the latter it will not matter because people like myself with Bipolar disorder or Manic Depression may seem mad! But I tell you this we are intelligent, creative and very observant and i do not think we should be looked upon as mental patients and people not to be listened to. I think we can all learn a lot from eachother as human beings if we just opened our minds and dwell upon, atleast, what other people have to share. I hope that you will take something away from each of my posts. Thank You
